Donald Trump, American carbon monoxide
All dignity shedded, the White House likely will have 'ring girls' at cage fights for the America 250 celebration
The parade of outrages and indignities that is Donald Trump continues.
He is American carbon monoxide. Trump’s in the air, inescapable, no matter the depths of strategies for pollution avoidance.
That's true for one of the great escapes in American life — sports.
We will now have Trump-branded mixed-martial arts, cage fighting, on the White House grounds.
At some point in the celebration of America's 250th expect a major television Ultimate Fighting Championship event live at the White House. A big fight, and a long undercard. Here is what Trump said in Des Moines on July 3:
"We're going to have a UFC fight on the grounds of the White House."
A sports-betting site, a year before the White House cage fights, is already taking prop (proposition) bets on who Trump will select for the ring girl — the scantily clad lady walking around with cards telling viewers what round the fight has reached.
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem is at 9 to 1
Tiffany Trump 16 to 1
Marjorie Taylor Greene 25 to 1
The oddsmakers are deeply into this.
Through betonline.ag, you can wager on who will be fighting in the main event. Conor McGregor is at 8 to 1 for just appearing in the top-of-the-card fight.
In a truly disgusting turn, oddsmakers list Pete Buttigieg, who is gay, in the mix for ring girl, along with prominent female Democrats —all with long, unattainable odds, because the point isn't to win the bet, it's for drunk, sexist freaks to make the wagers now, and then joke about it for the next year in their incel retreats — or golf carts on the 16th hole at country clubs.
What’s the difference between Donald Trump and an incel? Inheritance.
Sixteen years ago, I covered a fierce debate in the Carroll (Iowa) City Council chambers about whether elected officials should ban lower-level, independent UFC-style cage fighting in our rural city of 10,000.
"I just find it to be a sickening thing to watch," said then Carroll City Councilman Jeff Scharfenkamp.
A highly respected banker with deep roots here, Scharfenkamp said he was concerned about the modeling effects the style of fighting has on young people.
Others disagreed, and the fights went on as planned behind a local bar on the east side of town. I covered the fights from a sports and feature perspective. A local physician served as the ring doctor, and after getting patched up, the fighters, including some local tough guys, would join the crowd for beers.
The fight night ended up being just fine fun. No arrests. No deaths.
That said, Scharfenkamp earned a lot of respect in those debates, though, because he elevated dignity as an asset, an issue to be considered.
These fights, he reasoned, were simply beneath the dignity of Carroll. He made a fierce case.
Now, on the Fourth of July of 2026, the 250th anniversary of our nation, we will have cage fights at the White House.
So a rural Iowa city councilman cared more about the culture of his small town than the president does about one of the more iconic structures in all of the land.
What’s even more outrageous about the cage fights at the White House is that they presumably will be funded as part of the full America 250 celebration — organized by what is supposed to be an august, all-American bipartisan commission —The U.S. Semiquincentennial Commission.
So many questions about the White House UFC fights.
Will there be beer sales? T-shirt peddlers?
A special crypto currency just for betting on the fights?
I am making a prediction on how bad this is going to get.
I'd say the odds are even —1:1 — that Trump creates a reality TV show allowing undocumented immigrants to compete for a fighting slot on the card leading up to the main event.
Two immigrants will fight in the octagon for their papers.
The rules likely will be more wide open for this one fight, with cheap shots, and weapons perhaps, allowed.
The winning immigrant gets a Trump Gold Card, lavished with other riches.
The loser is deported on national television — with footage of him being cuffed by Krisi Noem, at her cosplaying finest, just outside the fighting octagon and roughly transported to his home nation —or a third one, rendition style, with a light arrival appetizer of water boarding.
The potential name of that show? "The American.” It is a real thing. It’s being considered.
If we are going to fall like Rome, America may as well have its own version of the coliseum — and at the White House, no less.
About The Iowa Mercury
(Douglas Burns, founder of The Iowa Mercury and a fourth-generation Iowa journalist from Carroll, is a member of the Iowa Writers’ Collaborative. Read dozens of the most talented writers in Iowa in just one place. The Iowa Writers' Collaborative spans the full state. It’s one of the biggest things going in Iowa journalism and writing now — and you don’t want to miss. This collaborative is — as the outstanding Quad Cities journalist Ed Tibbetts says — YOUR SUNDAY IOWA newspaper. )
I'm not certain "liking" this post works. Where's the "disgusted by the thought of this?" Option?
Masterful column, Doug, but oh so disheartening.