There's a generational effect with celebrity death.
And few personalities in the public eye were as inextricably linked with Generation X as actor Matthew Perry, who died at his home of a suspected drowning, at 54 (my age) yesterday afternoon.
Most Gen Xers don't know Perry personally. But we know him in the broader sense. He was born just hours before me on Aug. 19, 1969. My birthday is Aug. 20, 1969.
Perry was the soul of a TV show, NBC's "Friends," that spotlighted a phenomenon in our generation -- the so-called Chosen Family or Urban Tribe.
Caught between the rat-in-the-snake demographic bulges of the Boomers and the Millennials, large cohorts of Americans, the Boomers with all the money, the Millennials with all the problems, we Gen Xers are the generation that didn't marry early, or at all, and steadfastly refused to develop as young adults into the normal social folds of family.
We created our own Chosen Families, groups of friends that functioned as un-biologically-related families, what author Ethan Watters described as "Urban Tribes" in his 2003 book.
"Friends" brought what we were seeing in our own apartments and duplexes in our early 20s lives in the 1990s to the television screen with Matthew Perry's wisecracking, truth-telling Chandler Bing emerging as one of the leading troubadours for the generation. He put Gen X impulses and anxieties and the cynicism and defaults into slackerdom into unforgettable words.
He even dated Julia Roberts. And messed it up — all on his own, like 100 percent on him, such was his Generation X-ness.
I'm not a big reader of addiction-and-recovery books. Of the many challenges I've faced -- that's not one of them -- unless you count cigarettes, which both Perry and I consumed — Marlboro Lights to start, and now American Spirits (for me at least).
But a few months ago I listened to Perry's memoir on Audible. "Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing" is terrifying and laugh-out-loud funny. Perry narrates the Audible book (which is why I bought the audio version instead of the print). His addictions ran deep, and he tells the listeners/readers of the book that he nearly died many times. In fact, his death-defying durability to a final breath at age 54 is more miracle than tragedy -- in the context of his own words.
I'd hoped Perry would have an extraordinary second act on film and stage with wisdom added to what is one of the great wits to grace American entertainment. Bill Maher predicted such a journey for Perry when the “Friends” star appeared on HBO's "Real Time" as the sit-down guest just months ago with the release of the book.
Perry is the one the voices of Generation X and I wanted to watch that him grow old with me, inhabit the roles of middle age and elder and, eventually, the last acts of life here. I wanted him to speak for me, to show me, to be the generational force — and we needed that now more than ever as Gen Xers are still forever seeking our place, our families, our meaning.
In the early 1990s, I'd go to to the no-longer bar Whitey's in Arlington, Virginia with my urban tribe, the chosen friends, and join them in watching shows like "Melrose Place" and "Friends." Back in Iowa as a journalist, I'd catch "Friends" on Thursday nights in Des Moines as the tribe gathered, for a night of bar-hopping. Matthew Perry would deliver the lines that fueled the fun, that helped us see our developing selves in those years.
And now he is gone — just as he had found his voice again and had so, so much to say. His Chosen Family, his tribe, Generation X, mourns.
The Iowa Writers’ Collaborative
Douglas Burns, a fourth-generation Iowa journalist who lives in Carroll, is a member of the Iowa Writers’ Collaborative. Have you explored the variety of writers in the Iowa Writers’ Collaborative? They are from around the state and contribute commentary and feature stories of interest to those who care about Iowa. Please pick five you’d like to support by becoming paid. It helps keep them going. Enjoy:
Columnists
Nicole Baart: This Stays Here, Sioux Center
Laura Belin: Iowa Politics with Laura Belin, Windsor Heights
Doug Burns: The Iowa Mercury, Carroll
Dave Busiek: Dave Busiek on Media, Des Moines
Iowa Writers’ Collaborative, Roundup
Steph Copley: It Was Never a Dress, Johnston
Art Cullen: Art Cullen’s Notebook, Storm Lake
Suzanna de Baca: Dispatches from the Heartland, Huxley
Debra Engle: A Whole New World, Madison County
Arnold Garson: Second Thoughts, Okoboji and Sioux Falls
Julie Gammack: Julie Gammack’s Iowa Potluck, Des Moines and Okoboji
Joe Geha: Fern and Joe, Ames
Jody Gifford: Benign Inspiration, West Des Moines
Rob Gray: Rob Gray’s Area, Ankeny
Nik Heftman: The Seven Times, Los Angeles and Iowa
Beth Hoffman: In the Dirt, Lovilia
Dana James: New Black Iowa, Des Moines
Pat Kinney: View from Cedar Valley, Waterloo
Fern Kupfer: Fern and Joe, Ames
Robert Leonard: Deep Midwest: Politics and Culture, Bussey
Letters from Iowans, Iowa
Darcy Maulsby: Keepin’ It Rural, Calhoun County
Tar Macias: Hola Iowa, Iowa
Alison McGaughey, The Inquisitive Quad Citizen, Quad Cities
Kurt Meyer: Showing Up, St. Ansgar
Wini Moranville: Wini’s Food Stories, Des Moines
Jeff Morrison: Between Two Rivers, Cedar Rapids
Kyle Munson: Kyle Munson’s Main Street, Des Moines
Jane Nguyen: The Asian Iowan, West Des Moines
John Naughton: My Life, in Color, Des Moines
Chuck Offenburger: Iowa Boy Chuck Offenburger, Jefferson and Des Moines
Barry Piatt: Piatt on Politics Behind the Curtain, Washington, D.C.
Dave Price: Dave Price’s Perspective, Des Moines
Macey Spensley: The Midwest Creative, Norwalk
Larry Stone: Listening to the Land, Elkader
Mary Swander: Mary Swander’s Buggy Land, Kalona
Mary Swander: Mary Swander’s Emerging Voices, Kalona
Cheryl Tevis: Unfinished Business, Boone County
Ed Tibbetts: Along the Mississippi, Davenport
Teresa Zilk: Talking Good, Des Moines
The Iowa Writers Collaborative is also proud to ally with Iowa Capital Dispatch.
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Beautifully and lovingly written.
Nicely said, Doug. Of all the testimonials I’ve read today, this is one of the best.