Gen X's Matthew Perry, the soul of America's first 'chosen family,' 'urban tribe,' passes

There's a generational effect with celebrity death.

And few personalities in the public eye were as inextricably linked with Generation X as actor Matthew Perry, who died at his home of a suspected drowning, at 54 (my age) yesterday afternoon. 

Most Gen Xers don't know Perry personally. But we know him in the broader sense. He was born just hours before me on Aug. 19, 1969. My birthday is Aug. 20, 1969.

Perry was the soul of a TV show, NBC's "Friends," that spotlighted a phenomenon in our generation -- the so-called Chosen Family or Urban Tribe.

Caught between the rat-in-the-snake demographic bulges of the Boomers and the Millennials, large cohorts of Americans, the Boomers with all the money, the Millennials with all the problems, we Gen Xers are the generation that didn't marry early, or at all, and steadfastly refused to develop as young adults into the normal social folds of family.

We created our own Chosen Families, groups of friends that functioned as un-biologically-related families, what author Ethan Watters described as "Urban Tribes" in his 2003 book.

"Friends" brought what we were seeing in our own apartments and duplexes in our early 20s lives in the 1990s to the television screen with Matthew Perry's wisecracking, truth-telling Chandler Bing emerging as one of the leading troubadours for the generation. He put Gen X impulses and anxieties and the cynicism and defaults into slackerdom into unforgettable words. 

He even dated Julia Roberts. And messed it up — all on his own, like 100 percent on him, such was his Generation X-ness.

I'm not a big reader of addiction-and-recovery books. Of the many challenges I've faced -- that's not one of them -- unless you count cigarettes, which both Perry and I consumed — Marlboro Lights to start, and now American Spirits (for me at least).

But a few months ago I listened to Perry's memoir on Audible. "Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing" is terrifying and laugh-out-loud funny. Perry narrates the Audible book (which is why I bought the audio version instead of the print). His addictions ran deep, and he tells the listeners/readers of the book that he nearly died many times. In fact, his death-defying durability to a final breath at age 54 is more miracle than tragedy -- in the context of his own words.

I'd hoped Perry would have an extraordinary second act on film and stage with wisdom added to what is one of the great wits to grace American entertainment. Bill Maher predicted such a journey for Perry when the “Friends” star appeared on HBO's "Real Time" as the sit-down guest just months ago with the release of the book.

Perry is the one the voices of Generation X and I wanted to watch that him grow old with me, inhabit the roles of middle age and elder and, eventually, the last acts of life here. I wanted him to speak for me, to show me, to be the generational force — and we needed that now more than ever as Gen Xers are still forever seeking our place, our families, our meaning.

In the early 1990s, I'd go to to the no-longer bar Whitey's in Arlington, Virginia with my urban tribe, the chosen friends, and join them in watching shows like "Melrose Place" and "Friends." Back in Iowa as a journalist, I'd catch "Friends" on Thursday nights in Des Moines as the tribe gathered, for a night of bar-hopping. Matthew Perry would deliver the lines that fueled the fun, that helped us see our developing selves in those years.

And now he is gone — just as he had found his voice again and had so, so much to say. His Chosen Family, his tribe, Generation X, mourns.

The Iowa Writers’ Collaborative

Douglas Burns, a fourth-generation Iowa journalist who lives in Carroll, is a member of the Iowa Writers’ Collaborative. Have you explored the variety of writers in the Iowa Writers’ Collaborative? They are from around the state and contribute commentary and feature stories of interest to those who care about Iowa. Please pick five you’d like to support by becoming paid. It helps keep them going. Enjoy:

Columnists

Nicole Baart: This Stays Here, Sioux Center

Laura Belin: Iowa Politics with Laura Belin, Windsor Heights

Doug Burns: The Iowa Mercury, Carroll

Dave Busiek: Dave Busiek on Media, Des Moines

Iowa Writers’ Collaborative, Roundup

Steph Copley: It Was Never a Dress, Johnston

Art Cullen: Art Cullen’s Notebook, Storm Lake

Suzanna de Baca: Dispatches from the Heartland, Huxley

Debra Engle: A Whole New World, Madison County

Arnold Garson: Second Thoughts, Okoboji and Sioux Falls

Julie Gammack: Julie Gammack’s Iowa Potluck, Des Moines and Okoboji

Joe Geha: Fern and Joe, Ames

Jody Gifford: Benign Inspiration, West Des Moines

Rob Gray: Rob Gray’s Area, Ankeny

Nik Heftman: The Seven Times, Los Angeles and Iowa

Beth Hoffman: In the Dirt, Lovilia

Dana James: New Black Iowa, Des Moines

Pat Kinney: View from Cedar Valley, Waterloo

Fern Kupfer: Fern and Joe, Ames

Robert Leonard: Deep Midwest: Politics and Culture, Bussey

Letters from Iowans, Iowa

Darcy Maulsby: Keepin’ It Rural, Calhoun County

Tar Macias: Hola Iowa, Iowa

Alison McGaughey, The Inquisitive Quad Citizen, Quad Cities

Kurt Meyer: Showing Up, St. Ansgar

Wini Moranville: Wini’s Food Stories, Des Moines

Jeff Morrison: Between Two Rivers, Cedar Rapids

Kyle Munson: Kyle Munson’s Main Street, Des Moines

Jane Nguyen: The Asian Iowan, West Des Moines

John Naughton: My Life, in Color, Des Moines

Chuck Offenburger: Iowa Boy Chuck Offenburger, Jefferson and Des Moines

Barry Piatt: Piatt on Politics Behind the Curtain, Washington, D.C.

Dave Price: Dave Price’s Perspective, Des Moines

Macey Spensley: The Midwest Creative, Norwalk

Larry Stone: Listening to the Land, Elkader

Mary Swander: Mary Swander’s Buggy Land, Kalona

Mary Swander: Mary Swander’s Emerging Voices, Kalona

Cheryl Tevis: Unfinished Business, Boone County

Ed Tibbetts: Along the Mississippi, Davenport

Teresa Zilk: Talking Good, Des Moines

The Iowa Writers Collaborative is also proud to ally with Iowa Capital Dispatch.

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