BREAKING: Trump plans to be cryogenically frozen, return to run for White House in coming centuries
The Year 2120 Corp., a pioneering cryonics research-and-development lab, has announced a ground-breaking pact with former President Donald Trump, one believed to be the first of its kind with a major American politician.
Trump has signed an agreement with France-based Year 2120 Corp. to be cryogenically preserved (frozen) at some point in the next 4 years, perhaps while still in the Oval Office. This will allow Trump to emerge, re-animated from a frozen state with his vital organs intact and even enhanced through new and yet-uninvented but projected medical technologies, in coming decades, even centuries, as a candidate for president at which point authorities will have exhausted statutes of limitations related to a battery of legal actions now facing Trump.
Using evolving science, Year 2120 Corp., will store Trump’s temperature-reduced body at a highly secure facility near the border between France and Switzerland. Trump, whose vital organs and iconic hair will be preserved using a three-staged process known as CryoCool, will be revived within the next 250 years — at which point he plans to consider running for president after a few years of just hitting on much, much younger women.
Trump was reportedly skeptical of the cryonics procedure and required intense prodding from Republicans who can’t envision a future for their party without him.
“Trump already is something of a political zombie,” says one Trump associate. “He just won’t go away. Well, we’ve decided to really piss off Democrats and for real with this.”
Insiders say the actual process of cooling a human body has long frightened Trump. But Mar-a-Lago sources say those fears, albeit well founded, were allayed in recent months as Trump repeatedly watched re-mastered Blue-Ray videos of “The Empire Strikes Back” and “Return Of The Jedi.” Harrison Ford’s character Han Solo is similarly cryogenically preserved in George Lucas’ films. Trump reportedly described the kissing scene with Han Solo and Princess Leia, as Solo is lowered into the cooling chamber, as “super hot.”
“Donald Trump sees a lot of himself in Han Solo,” says one aide. “In fact, he even carries a Han Solo action figure in his suit pocket now for inspiration. Sometimes it is kind of creepy when he takes it out in the official vehicle and talks to it in a Darth Vader voice. But, hey, if you are a Secret Service dude driving him around would rather deal with that or, well, you know.”
Generally, cryonics is employed once human beings have died. But Trump, 77, doesn’t want to look too old when he emerges into a future America. So he’s doing it well before he dies.
“Look, if Trump comes out of the cooler with a nursing-home vibe it just kind of defeats the purpose of the entire project, doesn’t it?” a member of his political team said.
One concern with which the Trump administration will have to contend is the likely perception of an over-reach on the part of the Republican ex president whom opponents will undoubtedly cast as a leader in search of an unprecedented level of power.
“Yes, we understand there will be allegations of dynastic aspirations in all of this,” said a key Trump aide. “And because he is a leader with such wild hair there are obvious sensitivities at play. But we hold a major freaking trump card. People like Joe Biden and Pete Buttigieg will be nothing more than skeletons and dust in their caskets, forgotten figures in politics, by the time 2120 Corp., scientists attach the fire wire to a supremely well-rested Trump and prime him for future political races.”
April Fools!!!
(Douglas Burns, a fourth-generation Iowa journalist from Carroll, is a member of the Iowa Writers’ Collaborative. Read 48 of the most talented writers in Iowa in just one place. The Iowa Writers' Collaborative spans the full state. It’s one of the biggest things going in Iowa journalism and writing now — and you don’t want to miss. This collaborative is — as the outstanding Quad Cities journalist Ed Tibbetts says — YOUR SUNDAY IOWA newspaper. Please follow other writers on the roster below. )
This column is extremely chilling.
You had me going since there is nothing he could do that would surprise me any more.